Take me to the place where I don’t matter. Take me to the place where I am not easily offended. An offense is often present when I think too much of myself…How dare they, do they know who I am? Consume me Lord. Fire of God burn it out. Restore every broken place. Take me to the place where I don’t even notice if I am not noticed! To that place where I am not waiting to hear my name mentioned. TO that place of not caring if I look or talk the part. TO that place where no one, not even me matters, ONLY YOU! God I am so far from that place and only you can bridge this gap. I know that you are not asking me to get to this place on my own, because in my strength it is impossible. You were waiting on me Lord. Waiting on me to desire true humility, waiting on me to be disgusted with pride, my personal pride. God hear the cry of my heart, the deepest places that no one else sees but you. All of you Lord and none of me. Here I am, forgive me.
I’m amazed at how God can create strength during a season of difficulty. I was at the hospital last night visiting Faith (baby # 6) and I had an opportunity to connect with another mom whose son was also in neonatal intensive care unit (nicu). We swapped our stories and the stress associated with having a newborn in the nicu. We were both physically exhausted but God allowed her to see something in me beyond my physical exhaustion. She mentioned that it was evident that I had peace. Here I was physically and emotionally exhausted from running back and forth to the hospital while still trying to maintain some sense of normalcy for the other five children at home, but God allowed this women to see beyond that. She saw something that I couldn’t fabricate. He allowed her to see that He was the one carrying me and that His grace is sufficient . As I encouraged this distraught mom, I in turn began to be reminded of what I knew to be true, God is faithful! I told her of my past experience in the nicu with baby number 5, I told her the lessons I learned, I told her this was working for my good and there was a purpose in all of this. I spoke to her from a sincere place, not from what I heard or read but what I had experienced during my previous seasons of difficulty. I experienced God in a powerful way which birth a greater level of confidence. A confidence that radiates peace even when my body is weary. At the end of the conversation a prayer was said, tears were shed, and hugs were exchanged. I walked away with a renewed strength for the journey because I was reminded.
Difficulty is a thread that has been woven into my life but it has brought such a sweet return. Going through doesn’t feel good, it hurts and yes I have had moments of crying, feeling overwhelmed and being very emotional. I want my baby home with me and not in the hospital . But I cannot deny the beauty on the other side of suffering, and this time around, I am catching glimpses of beauty before the trial even ends. It seems like a contradiction, beauty for ashes? Very true, it’s my reality.
I must confess that I am addicted to prayer. Not because I am super spiritual but because I am human with many frailties. I cannot function and my days seem to fall apart without prayer. I really am a hot mess without it, ask my husband and children. There is just something about throwing myself at the feet of Jesus, telling Him all my unedited thoughts. In prayer I don’t have to tell Him what I think He wants to hear. I tell Him what I am really feeling, the good, the bad and the ugly. Then I take Him up on His word and ask Him to fix me. Fix the mess, the pain and the hurt.
There are times when I just sit and cry but I am fully convinced that He understands the meaning of each tear. While the cause of my pain may not immediately go away, just being in God’s presence crying like a baby gives me a peace beyond my understanding. I leave with a confidence that it is going to be alright. I may not know how it will work out, but our time together reminds me that it will and all for my good.
Then there are those times I run to prayer begging the Lord to tell me that I am not crazy for standing in faith even though I feel bullied by doubt and all his buddies. The times where the comments of others cause me to question if I am being too extreme, taking this faith thing a little too far. Ever been there? The times where I need to have the Lord comfort me and remind me that walking by faith will seem foolish to the world but it pleases Him, and in the end that’s all that matters.
I also have times of carrying the burdens of those I love, rolling over in my head how to fix them and their situation. At times the burden leaves me paralyzed because I want to make it all better. Then I am reminded that while I have no power to fix anything or anyone, I can pray. I become even more confident when I remember that God hears my prayer and is able to change any situation, no matter how hopeless. So I come to God on their behalf and do what I should have done in the first place…PRAY!
Then there are times where praise and adoration flow from my lips and I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving. The more I rehearse His goodness, the more I become aware of how awesome He is and I don’t want the moment to stop. I look for the pause button in these moments of sweet communion, hoping the phone wont ring and the children will remain asleep. But inevitably these moments of prayer have to come to an end, but the residue of praise remains.
Yes I am addicted. I am not looking for a cure, just for more! How about you, are you addicted to prayer? How has prayer benefited you?
1 Thessalonians 5:17: NEVER STOP PRAYING
Below is a journal entry I wrote shortly after our fifth child Isaiah was born. A day after his birth, Isaiah had to be admitted to the NICU and eventually underwent three surgeries. This was a season of intense pain for our family because every day was so unpredictable and his life fragile. Today, Isaiah is totally healed (yes God is still in the healing business). I chose to post this today because we often look for God to do something new and tend to have spiritual amnesia and rob God of the glory and the praise He deserves for what He has already done. Today as I reflect on what he did for our baby boy, I will PRAISE HIM!
Journal Entry from August 2012
Yesterday I was gripped with a sudden fear that Isaiah may die. It pained me to think of this. I tried with all my might to “pull” through this fear, but it was overwhelming. I could barely find the strength to fight, I felt paralyzed. I rebuked the devil, declared that God had not given me the spirit of fear but of power love and sound mind, but must admit I was still struggling. I also felt bad that I couldn’t be there for him at all times to just hold him whenever I wanted and whenever he needed me. Isn’t this what a mother is supposed to do? Talk about feeling inadequate and guilty. As I went through the day, I could hear in a still small voice, “it pleased the father to bruise the son.” I couldn’t remember where the scripture was taken from, but as I tried to sink in self pity, the scripture kept on ringing in my spirit. It was puzzling to me because I could not comprehend HOW (not why) God could handle seeing His own son crucified. I understood the theology behind it but as a parent I couldn’t understand the emotional aspect of it, you know, the feeling part.
Right before I went to sleep last night, I struggled to open the bible, but I finally did. I turned to the book of James and came across James 1:2-4 “Count it all joy, (ANIKA), [ when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. This was not even the scripture I was looking for but God knew it was just what I NEEDED! Why is rejoicing in suffering such a resounding theme in scripture….AWWW! What is there to be happy about when you are suffering? I obviously missed that memo yesterday. I didn’t want to hear what the scripture was saying at the moment but all I could do was smile because I knew what the Lord was speaking to my heart. As I sat and reread and reread and reread that passage, a great peace came over me, a peace that exceeded anything I could understand (Philippians 4:7). Amazing how the word of God gets to the heart of the matter and cause all fear to dissipate.
I can’t understand all the why’s behind the what’s during this season of my life, but I have to learn to not just accept it and say the Lord knows and He is going to bring me out, but I have to rejoice (not just lip service) even in this because it is ultimately about God getting the glory and Him perfecting me.
So this takes me back to the scripture that was ringing in my spirit yesterday, I looked it up and found that it was Isaiah 53:10,“But it was the LORD’s good plan to crush him and fill him with grief (Speaking of Jesus). Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the LORD’s plan will prosper in his hands. 11 When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. God could rejoice in what Jesus went through because He knew what the end was going to be…my salvation, our salvation. Jesus’ story did not end in suffering, it ended in triumph! God provided an awesome example for me to REJOICE IN THE MIDST OF THE SUFFERING. It was easy for me to speak faith when all of this began. I thought it would end just as quickly as it started but this is not the case. Isaiah is still in the hospital, and even after he comes out, there is much adjusting that we will have to do. There is also another surgery awaiting him when he gets a little older to reconnect his intestines. I don’t know all the details of Isaiah’s story and what God has in store for him, but I must learn to press pass my feelings and begin to rejoice as I am in the MIDST OF IT because in the end God and God alone will get all the glory! Can I live at this place EVERYDAY as I wait for the full manifestation of Isaiah’s healing? I pray for the grace to do just that.