I was writing a blogpost to complement my YouTube video, Why are you so stressed? I had the intentions to finish the post this morning. But somehow it got deleted. I was not happy! In the process of looking for it, I came across some thoughts that I wrote down not too long ago about having a shaved head that I hadn’t published. Why? I am trying my best not to make every blogpost and YouTube video be about my hair or lack thereof. Why? I don’t want to dwell on it. I suppose I want to appear strong. I want to act normal. Wait, you don’t think I am normal?
But truth is while I am seeing all that God is doing in me and realize this process is necessary, I have had some low moments. Some days I feel so free and then other days I am very much aware and self-conscious about not having hair. I have to fight to not invite shame back in. This morning happens to be one of those days. I woke up and shaved the new stubbles that had grown in to avoid looking like a balding old man. I then realized I had some razor bumps in the back of my head, the lemons are working well as a deodorant but not going too well for razor bumps! Talk about feeling deflated and super self-conscious! My conversation with God through my tears went something like this, “God can you at least take away the bumps. I mean I just got the courage to go out bald. Please God, please take the bumps away!” More tears.
I was just telling a close friend that I found myself thanking God for this process because so much has been revealed to me. THAT conversation took place on a really good day a few weeks ago. I am human and my feelings will go up and down. I know that I don’t have to hide my tears and as I am typing they are flowing. No I am not pretending that it doesn’t feel awkward, it does. No I am not pretending like I don’t care that I don’t have hair, I DO CARE. BUT I CAN’T stay stuck here. On a day like today, I have a choice to both go with my feelings and wallow in self-pity, or I can chose to magnify God above my less than ideal situation. Today I choose to praise, grab a scarf and keep it moving!
How about you? What situation in your life is less than ideal? Are you remaining stuck on how you feel and allowing self-pity to overwhelm you? Have you been magnifying your situation more than God?
Just in case you are interested, below are the thoughts I wrote out a few weeks ago.
NO Hair and I Do Care
NO hair and I wish I could say I don’t care
But the truth is, I care a lot
I look back at old pictures when the hair on my head was actually mine
And I long for yesterday
Funny how the girl back then was so discontent with what she had
And the girl today sees the beauty that the girl in the past couldn’t see
Funny how that happens…you don’t know what you have until it’s gone
I compared my hair to others
It wasn’t thick enough
But I now realize
IT WAS ENOUGH, more than
That’s what God gave me
But this attitude of discontentment was not just about my hair
I look back at the girl from yesterday
And she had no clue
She never saw herself as enough
How DO I, today, become content in my new reality even if it’s not what I want it to be?
How do I keep myself from sinking into self-pity?
I say to God, please restore my hair
I cry, I beg
But He has shown me that even without much hair on my head, this process has caused Him to restore so much in me
Much that was lost that I did not know about
Much that was lost that could not be seen
So no hair and I do care
But not to the point where I will allow it to define or hinder me