I AM HOMESICK

Below is my journal entry from the beginning of 2011.  Tomorrow, I will post how God answered this cry of my heart…stay tuned!
January 11, 2011
It almost seemed morbid when I used to hear others say they longed for heaven. I  couldn’t understand, perhaps because I was not spiritually ready and heaven was not to be my inheritance.  But I think I got it, I too am NOW homesick.  I long for my heavenly home.  No I am not depressed or ungrateful for what God has blessed me with, but my perspective has shifted…I got it!  This earth is not my home.  This is just a speck in regards to the rest of eternity.  I am homesick and I want to remain homesick.  Lord help me to never get comfortable here on earth, let me always live in the reality that this is not my home.  If I stay homesick then the cares of this life wont carry the same weight.  If I am homesick what does it matter that I don’t have everything that I want and desire this side of heaven.  If I am homesick  then Jesus is at the forefront of my thoughts and I don’t allow myself to get distracted.  God don’t cure my homesickness, don’t take it away, increase the desire so that I may remain focus on you while I am here on earth. 

How do I stay in the place of thinking about heaven?  How do I stay in the place of always having my eyes fixed on Jesus, the Lamb that was slain for my sin; the one who made  it possible for me to come home someday?  Jesus I don’t get it all and I know that I cant live as if I am not human, but keep heaven on my mind.  Keep heaven on my mind.  This year I desire to go to a place in you that I have never been before.  I don’t know what that place is, I don’t know what it looks like, what it feels like but God I want more of you.  I want your spirit to just explode within me so that when my day comes to be with you in heaven, you wont be foreign to me.  Worship will have already been my breath; communion with you will already be my lifestyle.  Show me everyday how to prepare for eternity.  The angels are constantly giving you praise in my heavenly home, show me how to praise you so that my voice can join there’s when I finally see you.   Are you homesick?
Philippians 3:20-21
 But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior.  He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control.

Are you serious…rejoice in suffering?

 

Below is a journal entry I wrote shortly after our fifth child Isaiah was born.  A day after his birth, Isaiah had to be admitted to the NICU and eventually underwent three surgeries.  This was a season of intense pain for our family because every day was so unpredictable and his life fragile. Today, Isaiah is totally healed (yes God is still in the healing business).   I chose to post this today because we often look for God to do something new and tend to have spiritual amnesia and rob God of the glory and the praise He deserves for what He has already done.  Today as I reflect on what he did for our baby boy, I will PRAISE HIM!

Journal Entry from August 2012

Yesterday I was gripped with a sudden fear that Isaiah may die.  It pained me to think of this.  I tried with all my might to “pull” through this fear, but it was overwhelming.    I could barely find the strength to fight, I felt paralyzed. I rebuked the devil, declared that God had not given me the spirit of fear but of power love and sound mind, but must admit I was still struggling.  I also felt bad that I couldn’t be there for him at all times to just hold him whenever I wanted and whenever he needed me.   Isn’t this what a mother is supposed to do?  Talk about feeling inadequate and guilty.  As I went through the day, I could hear in a still small voice, “it pleased the father to bruise the son.”  I couldn’t remember where the scripture was taken from, but as I tried to sink in self pity, the scripture kept on ringing in my spirit.  It was puzzling to me because I could not comprehend HOW (not why) God could handle seeing His own son crucified.  I understood the theology behind it but as a parent I couldn’t understand the emotional aspect of it, you know, the feeling part.

Right before I went to sleep last night, I struggled to open the bible, but I finally did.  I turned to the book of James and came across James 1:2-4  “Count it all joy, (ANIKA), [ when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. This was not even the scripture I was looking for but God knew it was just what I NEEDED!  Why is rejoicing in suffering such a resounding theme in scripture….AWWW!  What is there to be happy about when you are suffering?  I obviously missed that memo yesterday.   I didn’t want to hear what the scripture was saying at the moment but all I could do was smile because I knew what the Lord was speaking to my heart.  As I sat and reread and reread and reread that passage, a great peace came over me, a peace that exceeded anything I could understand (Philippians 4:7).  Amazing how the word of God gets to the heart of the matter and cause all fear to dissipate.

I can’t understand all the why’s behind the what’s during this season of my life, but I have to learn to not just accept it and say the Lord knows and He is going to bring me out, but I have to rejoice (not just lip service) even in this because it is ultimately about God getting the glory and Him perfecting me.

So this takes me back to the scripture that was ringing in my spirit yesterday, I looked it up and found that it was Isaiah 53:10,“But it was the LORD’s good plan to crush him and fill him with grief (Speaking of Jesus). Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the LORD’s plan will prosper in his hands. 11 When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins.   God could rejoice in what Jesus went through because He knew what the end was going to be…my salvation, our salvation. Jesus’ story did not end in suffering, it ended in triumph!  God provided an awesome example for me to REJOICE IN THE MIDST OF THE SUFFERING.  It was easy for me to speak faith when all of this began. I thought it would end just as quickly as it started but this is not the case.  Isaiah is still in the hospital, and even after he comes out, there is much adjusting that we will have to do.  There is also another surgery awaiting him when he gets a little older to reconnect his intestines.   I don’t know all the details of Isaiah’s story and what God has in store for him, but I must learn to press pass my feelings and begin to rejoice as I am in the MIDST OF IT because in the end God and God alone will get all the glory!  Can I live at this place EVERYDAY as I wait for the full manifestation of Isaiah’s healing?  I pray for the grace to do just that.

 

One of THOSE Kind of People

I happen to be one of THOSE  kind of people.

You know…

The kind that are narrow minded and are fully convinced that Jesus is the only way.

One of those that get to shouting loud and dancing in church when they reflect on where God brought them from.

The kind you avoid talking to & screen their calls if you are not in the mood for all that Jesus talk

You see, to understand who I AM

You have to understand who I WAS

I used to be one of THOSE kind of people

You know…

The kind that knew the truth but chose not to live it

One of those that were in church but not in Christ

The kind that would prefer to pretend that all was well but falling apart on the inside

But today

I lift my hands and shout with everything that is within me

I AM REDEEMED, FREE, FILLED WITH JOY, & UNASHAMED OF MY FAITH IN JESUS!

Yeah , without apology

I happen to be one of THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE!